Thursday, December 29, 2011


One of my main purposes of keeping a blog is for self learning. Being able to look back and read my thoughts from the not so distant past I realize how much life is taking it's toll on me. I am ready to reclaim myself and get back some of my whimsy. 

I have always had a playful mind. I like imagining and "looking at the world through rose colored glasses" as my Grandma use to say.
But lately the stress of this last big move, a growing family and shrinking income, possibly buying a house and an uncertain relationship between my parents, has made me heavy {as Marty Mcfly would say}
Looking to get a little lightness back in my life.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I spent last night up with a wide awake 7 month old. He was adorable and sweet but not asleep. As I struggled to stay awake myself I thought about Mary and imagined her taking care of a 7 month old baby Jesus. It made me think of the man he might grow up to be and the limited amount of Christmases I have left with little children.

 What a beautiful Christmas holiday we had.

 I used my Dad's camera to take these pictures, therefore they turned out a little wonky, but the glow caught in most the pictures is pretty accurate of the feeling we had around us.

 This years Christmas was filled with lots of last minute gifts and decorating but it all came together for a fun and festive holiday.

 We had amazing food 
 and amazing people

I made mostly desserts, including jello, bread pudding and {fake}cofee cheesecake.
 Alfred was the cutest of us all.

 But he had some stiff competition

 All the kids wildest dreams came true and they will be going home with tons of princess and super hero toys.

 Tober was adorable while opening her gifts with perfects gasps and awes at the right time. I especially loved seeing her go around doing her uncle's hair after she got a princess {fake}blow dryer and curling iron set, complete with lipstick and perfume.
C hasn't stopped being Captain America all day.
Jones got me a necklace from one of my favorite shops in Olympia, WA.
I haven't stopped stuffing my face all day. :)
Just taking in the joy of my family close by and the joy of knowing there is always hope, and enough love to go around.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Just a little more time

Christmas is almost here and despite the slow start I had I am starting to feel giddy and excited for tomorrow. We have been so blessed and looked after this year it just makes my heart swell.
Hopefully I will be able to get some good memories, and pictures to go with, to hold onto.
As I put the kids to bed tonight I couldn't help but linger a little longer and send up a few thank yous to my Heavenly Father for giving me these 3 beautiful healthy children.
All my talk of exhaustion and craziness can't take away how much I love these guys.
I hope they know that and forgive me for my moments of insanity.
The season came on to suddenly, I think the tree and snow balls might stick around at our house a while longer. 
We could use a little more Christmas in our house. 

Friday, December 16, 2011


Last night a friend from church invited me to come over to her house after the kids went to bed and work on Christmas gifts together 
It was so fun, she, and two other ladies and myself sat around a table gluing, painting and knitting various gifts. 
I still have a lot to make but it was nice just to be with others sharing ideas and encouragement. 

Jones gets home tonight and I am so excited.
His work sending him to WA for a week was such a blessing but I am ready to have him back.
Not only did he get to be with family but I got a free way of sending some gifts.
Now if I can only figure out how to get gifts to Michigan and Arizona...:)

Thursday, December 15, 2011


Do you have a traditional style for wrapping your presents each year, or does it change often?
I LOVE metallic for Christmas.
It gets cold and suddenly silver, golds and bronze pops up all over my house. 
This year I was fortunate enough to have left over wrapping paper from last year, otherwise I probably would have grabbed free newspapers from grocery stores painted them and wrapped the gifts in that.
I also saved all my cereal and oatmeal boxes so I could have gift boxes.

I added yarn and washi tape for a splash of color. 
Wrapping gifts is almost as fun as giving them :)

"please have snow and mistletoe..."

"and presents on the tree."

On Tuesday my neighbor came knocking on the door. She said that a friend of hers was giving away a bunch of toys and wanted to know if I wanted to go with her to check it out. I wanted to but I was watching these two little boys {hoping the money I was making might be saved for gifts, if it wasn't needed for bills} She left and came back 2 hours later with bags of toys for each of my 3 kids. She was very thoughtful in her picking of the toys and it was so sweet of her! 

I was so excited and relieved to know I didn't have to worry about the kids this Christmas, so I could focus on Jones. I have struggled to think of a gift I can give him made from what we already have.
Then one day when coming home from a very busy day of errands I found a secret santa had left a lovely note and  a way for me to give my sweet husband a gift. 
The only concern I had left were diapers,
And when I stopped by my cousin's house they told me there youngest was growing out her diapers and sent me home with a full package.

Gifts come in all shapes and sizes, this year ours have come wrapped in the arms of those who love us and follow the example of Christ.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Whoever you are

Sometimes I feel conflicted when it comes to being open and honest about our hard times. I'll think to myself 'what good will it do?' or I'll think I am such a drag. Then I open up and I am immediately amazed by the amount of love and support we receive.
So I just wanted to say thank you, for myself and for my kids who are to young to realize that this Christmas was made possible by you. Thank you for the toys, diapers, and the spirit that you have brought into our home.

Crying at the Grocery store

Last night I went grocery shopping. 
I should have know right there that things were going to be awful.
The kids were fussy and fighting with each other my cart was heavy and hard to navigate through the aisles. 
By the time we got to check out I was so ready to go home. 
Little did I know that I wouldn't leave for another hour! 
Slowest cashier ever! {poor guy}
About half way through, After the 3rd person to try and wait behind us left I just started to cry, my head hurt, my  
babies needed me, so I just told him to leave the rest and let me go.
We got home at 9, 3 hours after we had left and I fed the kids and put them to bed.
Jones is away in WA for training with work {lucky}
So I just went to bed too. It felt good to get to bed so early. 
When I woke up at 8 the kids were still sleeping and it is snowing outside.
I have another crazy day ahead of me but it was a really peaceful way to wake up.
I am feeling happier and happier everyday, uplifted by the season and the goodness of people around me. I won't let one stressful shopping experience bring me down :)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas video {Shout out!}

My Sister-in-law, who inspires me in many ways, and whom I admire greatly {especially right now} for her ability to mother Her four children and be one of the most fabulous people ever, makes really fun Christmas videos with her Hubby in lieu of Christmas Cards.
Her husband is extremely talented and her kids are uber super cute. You should check it out.

 Or at Ohdeedoh

Day 2 of changing my mood

I woke up Monday determined to shake this funk, so I made a plan.
Step one: wake up and go for a jog/walk before the kids wake up everyday.
Step two: make simple goals ex: put a load in the wash, feed kids actual meals.
Step three acknowledge my accomplishment of these goals even if there are still things left undone.

So far things are going well. I have accomplished everything I have set out to do {lucky me I didn't set out to do the dishes cause they aren't done :) } I also have set rules about how long I can be on the computer and not being allowed to watch me shows while the kids are awake.
Hopefully I can keep this up.

I feel a little embarrassed by how simple this sounds, if it is this simple why am I acting like it is so hard, but I can't think like that cause it adds fuel to the fire of self loathing.

I made some Christmas gifts today, which was really fun. I can't wait to be finished with something that can be wrapped so that I can put it under the tree. I love the look of wrapped things :)

Gift station, gifts in progress.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

This isn't flying, it's falling {not so much with style}

After my last post despite words of encouragement (thank you) I spent the weekend sinking into self despair. The kind of sad that makes you feel like you just want to fall asleep to have a reprieve from it. The worst part about being sad like that is the inability or lack of motivation to be able to be/feel different. I made attempt yesterday, jones' cousin let us use their Christmas tree.

We brought it home and pulled our decorations, which C then got to put on the tree. Then he and I made snow with cotton balls and strung lights in the dining room.

 I could feel the spirit tugging at my heart strings and yet a darkness still lingered. The happiest I felt was making egg salad sandwiches with celery sticks. It may seem like a small thing but the movements of cutting and stirring, (licking the peanut butter off my fingers) helped a lot. Little things stil bring it back. Like changing Alfred's diapers and seeing how skinny he is despite nursing him ALL the time. Wasted efforts, and not being good enough, followed by hating myself for not being a happy mom.

Then this morning we woke up and got ready for church. We had decided to walk since our gas tank was on empty, it is freezing outside and we had to bundle the kids up really good, but I was grateful we went despite being really late. The overwhelming feeling of comfort and love I felt while there was amazing (as Tober would say)

As we walked home and the snow fell on us I thought about our savior and the atonement. I thought about his "grace" and the thought of " by the grace of God ye shall be made whole" which is something I have both heard and been told before. I felt like the sisters and church today were "the grace of God"

I want my gift to my husband and children this year to be the spirit in our home, and for them to know how much I love them, so I am going to keep fighting that sinking feeling, I won't let it swallow me.

I made this painting of my favorite scripture as a gift. It's funny that although made for someone else it means so much for me right now.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Mad at myself

I think that I have lightly mentioned that I don't feel like myself since having had third baby.
Today I wish to put it in stronger words.
I feel like a nut case.
I try to suppress the feeling but life keeps throwing it back in my face,
 that my brain isn't functioning at full capacity. 
Since Alf, our bank account has been overdrawn about 10 times and not always because we didn't have the money but because of timing or me just spacing out and paying the wrong bills at the wrong time.
We have probably paid $300 in overdraft fees, $300 we don't have!! 
Maybe this wouldn't bother me so much if the dishes were done, or I slept more than 3 hours at a time last night, but that isn't the case. 
I can't seem to be on top of anything, anything for longer than a day or two. 
It feels like "prego" brain didn't leave after I had the baby. 

It frustrating to feel like I work so hard to save our family money, and especially with Christmas coming up and all the work of homemade presents in front of me it makes me mad to know that we might not get a tree because of me.
That we can't have people over because the house is never clean.
That C had to wear Church clothes to preschool because the rest were dirty.
Alfred is almost 7 months old, I would like my sanity back now please!

Ok enough, back to suppressing the feeling.