Sunday, December 4, 2011

This isn't flying, it's falling {not so much with style}

After my last post despite words of encouragement (thank you) I spent the weekend sinking into self despair. The kind of sad that makes you feel like you just want to fall asleep to have a reprieve from it. The worst part about being sad like that is the inability or lack of motivation to be able to be/feel different. I made attempt yesterday, jones' cousin let us use their Christmas tree.

We brought it home and pulled our decorations, which C then got to put on the tree. Then he and I made snow with cotton balls and strung lights in the dining room.

 I could feel the spirit tugging at my heart strings and yet a darkness still lingered. The happiest I felt was making egg salad sandwiches with celery sticks. It may seem like a small thing but the movements of cutting and stirring, (licking the peanut butter off my fingers) helped a lot. Little things stil bring it back. Like changing Alfred's diapers and seeing how skinny he is despite nursing him ALL the time. Wasted efforts, and not being good enough, followed by hating myself for not being a happy mom.

Then this morning we woke up and got ready for church. We had decided to walk since our gas tank was on empty, it is freezing outside and we had to bundle the kids up really good, but I was grateful we went despite being really late. The overwhelming feeling of comfort and love I felt while there was amazing (as Tober would say)

As we walked home and the snow fell on us I thought about our savior and the atonement. I thought about his "grace" and the thought of " by the grace of God ye shall be made whole" which is something I have both heard and been told before. I felt like the sisters and church today were "the grace of God"

I want my gift to my husband and children this year to be the spirit in our home, and for them to know how much I love them, so I am going to keep fighting that sinking feeling, I won't let it swallow me.

I made this painting of my favorite scripture as a gift. It's funny that although made for someone else it means so much for me right now.

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.


cadence f. said...

Your decorations look lovely. How creative that you made snow from cotton balls! I love your painting, too.

I have felt similar feelings, and it's really hard to get out of it. I know not much that I can say will help, but I will pray for you. <3 <3

Pregnancy said...
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