Toddler Parties

My sister's little boy E-Jo turned 3 this weekend so we celebrated at the park.

One thing I have learned from going to multiple Toddler parties this year is that one toy is not enough for three boys. So we got a bubble gun for each kid. They loved them.

We gave them to the kids unwrapped with batteries already in them, something I have discovered from past experiences of C opening a present on Christmas morning and either not caring about a box with a picture of a toy on it or, a toy that was still strapped in (some of these toys are tied down so much, it's like you need a chainsaw to get them out) and hearing him yell open for the next 30 minutes to discover it also needs batteries and a tiny screwdriver.

After the party I took the boys for a swim. It was finally a hot enough day but I still had to add warm water to the pool to make it warm enough for them.

And even with the water cold we had to drain the pool to get them to want to get out.

Over all it was a fun day. Yay, we have full success!

Easter Traditions bring out insecurities.

I can be a very opinionated person, or at least when I have an opinion about something I am usually not afraid to voice it. I think this can make me come off as a pretty sure of myself, which unfortunately isn't always the case.
Today when Jones and I where at Target I started talking about an Easter Tradition that I love and would like to carry on with our kids. (This is the second time in our relationship that I can remember holidays being a touchy conversation.) His response was that he had a similar tradition with his family and he really didn't like it. ( of course it was longer, and more detailed, but that was the gist of it) This somehow triggered a number of emotions from me. I had hurt feelings and felt stupid, but mostly I felt like I would not have his support in making that tradition a special one. It's funny how something that wasn't even meant to be hurtful made me question myself so much. Still it did, and I realized how insecure I am about the things I like and that I often feel like my interests are not "cool" or "fun" in Jone's world.
So, what do I do? How does one gain confidence in ones self?
I have a habit of saying "self pity and hate are a waste of time and get you no where", and throwing myself into life. Of course that only works short term, the underlying cause of those feelings is still there, and sooner or later those feelings catch up with me. In those moments I often want to allow myself to slip into a depression, but from a very young age I have been unable to allow myself to do this (which sometimes makes me angry), and that is because of the testimony that I have. So instead, I am forced or "spiritually guided" into realizing that I have been relying on my personal strength too much, expected to much from my husband, and forgotten the one person who is capable of loving me unconditionally, my Savior. My self confidence can not stand upon my shoulders, or Jones. Just as with faith it has to be founded on a much stronger foundation. I am thankful for that testimony.
It feels impossible sometimes, and I am unsure that I will be able to break my chain of self doubt, especially since I am only now admitting how deep it runs through me, but I have hope, I have to have hope, because I know the truth. That God loves me. Even when I am unable to do so myself.

Hoping it's a Girl

I love little girl clothes. They are just too cute, and although I love having a boy, I can't help but admit dressing a girl just sounds like more fun. The first few months the clothes are just cute and bubbly pinks but eventually you can find things like this red orange dress, which is just my favorite. Hopefully, If I do have a girl, she wont hate me for wanting to give her a sense of style and not wanting to dress her in Dora the explorer t-shirts, yuck. C has decided that he wants to wear his Yo Gabba Gabba sweater everyday, and goes through multiple pairs of pants a day. He is only 2 and is already wanting to have say in what he wears! I thought I would at least have til 5!

The top two pictures are from Carter's and the dress is Old Navy.

Documentation of Pregnancy

The last time I was pregnant I only took a few pictures at 5 months. This time I have tried to be more on top of things. So this is me at 3.5 months, feeling worse than I have in the past three months and looking forward to being half way through. Also, I felt baby move the other day for the first time and haven't since, so I look forward to more of that. I tend to wear alot more black, white and grey when I am pregnant, or at least this time around. Ofcourse that could be due to the lack of easily accessible maternity clothes. Why is it that when I wasn't pregnant there seemed to be an endless supply of cute maternity clothes, and now there are only 5 ugly options in every store I go to, huh, what gives?

There is something truly amazing and terrible about this whole process. In some ways it is easier to create a family than it is to figure out how to make a family. The body just takes over and knows what to do. I wish that was always the case with being a Mom.

Relevance

Jones and I have been talking a lot lately about the amazing creativity of certain people we know and their blogging capabilities. He mades some comments about not feeling nearly as cool, or interesting or something or other. I had had similar thoughts in the past and this made me think of relevance. Because although my blog is not the most sassy or artsy or intelligent, it is about me and things that are most important in my life. And I love his blog because it is a reflection of his crazy mind and the things he posts are also important to me. It's all relevant to me and that's what I like about it.

Shhhh, Gigi is sleeping...

The other day when I went in to get C bug out of bed, I opened the door with excitement, like I usually do (gotta start the day out right) and C quickly said "shhh Gigi is sleeping." and started patting the lump under his blanket, which as I walked closer saw that it was infact Gigi his stuffed animal giraffe. For the rest of the day he wouldn't let me turn lights on around his room and would scold me if I was too loud. I love that he is starting to play pretend. I often find him trying to brush Gigi's teeth, or give her some of his juice. He gives the same kind of attention to his cousin Ella who is a month old and lives next door. Always trying to give her a binkie, or show her his trains. As I have said before, I am so excited for him to be big brother.

Crazy Predictable, Unpredictable Life

I just got back from a fun but exhausting couple of days at my sisters house. She has a boy just a little older that C, and together the two of them can be quite a handful. They can't come within a couple feet from each without getting into a smacking contest. Keeping them apart was difficult. C gets really defensive and bossy when we are there. Whatever he sees his cousin doing he tells him not to and starts yelling at him to do something else. No one is aloud to touch other people's things, not under his watch, and under no circumstances is someone to touch or play with his Mommy. Goodness, I am so tired, and glad to be back. My sister and I will have to find ways of enjoying each others comapany that doesn't involve our little rugrats, yeah right:).
I really admire my sister in a lot of ways. It's always interesting for me to go over there and see what new project she is working on. She has a lot of interests and little things that keep her busy and make her happy. She's at a place in life where I want to be. In her own home, with food storage and space for her hobbies, a routine and plans for the year. I can't do that. Other than knowing that the baby is coming in the fall, everything is up in the air. Will Jones be going to school? Working? Where will we be living? Is he actually being deployed when they say??????????
Who knows.
Still I need to keep learning ways to find happiness in my unpredictable life,because it may never be predictable.

" I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, aweful beautiful life..."
Darryl Worley

Goofing off with Bug

Although I wish the quality of the pictures was better, the spirit is perfect. C, or Bug as we call him, had a spaz out giggle moment today, which is rare for him. Even rarer is that I was able to capture it. I like seeing him act like a kid.

Emotionally handicapped

Today I remembered why living with your parents is hard. Things have gone really smoothly with space issues, and most the things I thought would be problems haven't been. However I feel like all the emotional progress I have made on my own since moving out is slowly disappearing. As Jones puts it, my family lacks emotional vocab. They do their own thing, keep what they are really feeling to themselves and if the emotional levels reach a certain point, anger is the only one that gets out. The worst part for me is that nothing is ever resolved, life just goes on.
Growing up I felt a lot of value was put on how much I did, either around the house, in school, or in church. Yet I could never do enough. In talking with my husband i've come to realize that those feelings root from the way my Mom feels because of her relationship with my Dad, and as we all know when Mom's not happy nobody is. She probably feels like no matter what she does its not enough , even though some days she quite literally breaks her back to get things done. I don't want to seem like I am Dad bashing because he does a lot too, I just wish progress could be made and a better way of dealing with it all could be reached. Instead, I feel as though nothing has changed here, and I am losing my ability to deal with it in a healthy way. Especially because I am pregnant sick and my level of usefulness around the house is low and I am more dependant than normal, I feel my self value level dropping as well.
I don't have a lot of options due to monitary restraints, and so I am forced to stay and face my childhood fears. Maybe this is why God put us here and in the situation we are in. If so I know that this could be an opportunity for growth and self revelation, but I can't help but feel handicapped through the process. I have a hard time remembering I can't fix other peoples problems, and all I can do sometimes is work on Me and hope it rubs off.

VHS

When I was a teenager and Dvd's had officially taken over VHS, I remember packing them away and looking forward to pulling them out again when I had kids of my own। Now that C is old enough to enjoy them it has been fun reliving some these classic kid movies. His favorites change weekly but right now its The Little Mermaid, and 101 Dalmations. It's really nice to have so many options without having to spend any money. We've already gone through the Toy Story and Robin Hood phase, we'll see what it is next week.

Back for some more

I started this blog almost a year ago and haven't paid nearly enough attention to it. I probably would have just let it die, but recently Jones has gotten into Blogging and it made me remember why I started in the first place. I haven't done any kind of journal keeping since then, which is really sad cause lots of interesting stuff has gone by. Oh wells, guess I'll just have to start over again. It's hard for me to blog. I have a family of fantastic Bloggers. Makes me feel very amatuer. Plus the computer and I don't work well together. It's out to get me.