Sunday, March 15, 2009

Emotionally handicapped

Today I remembered why living with your parents is hard. Things have gone really smoothly with space issues, and most the things I thought would be problems haven't been. However I feel like all the emotional progress I have made on my own since moving out is slowly disappearing. As Jones puts it, my family lacks emotional vocab. They do their own thing, keep what they are really feeling to themselves and if the emotional levels reach a certain point, anger is the only one that gets out. The worst part for me is that nothing is ever resolved, life just goes on.
Growing up I felt a lot of value was put on how much I did, either around the house, in school, or in church. Yet I could never do enough. In talking with my husband i've come to realize that those feelings root from the way my Mom feels because of her relationship with my Dad, and as we all know when Mom's not happy nobody is. She probably feels like no matter what she does its not enough , even though some days she quite literally breaks her back to get things done. I don't want to seem like I am Dad bashing because he does a lot too, I just wish progress could be made and a better way of dealing with it all could be reached. Instead, I feel as though nothing has changed here, and I am losing my ability to deal with it in a healthy way. Especially because I am pregnant sick and my level of usefulness around the house is low and I am more dependant than normal, I feel my self value level dropping as well.
I don't have a lot of options due to monitary restraints, and so I am forced to stay and face my childhood fears. Maybe this is why God put us here and in the situation we are in. If so I know that this could be an opportunity for growth and self revelation, but I can't help but feel handicapped through the process. I have a hard time remembering I can't fix other peoples problems, and all I can do sometimes is work on Me and hope it rubs off.

1 comment:

MelancholySmile said...

Wow, I know what you mean. It was very interesting living with J's family and seeing him revert back to some of his childhood habits and roles. It's hard not to get sucked into the old dynamic. With J, it ended up being quite the catalyst for change. We at least knew some of the things we DIDN'T want in our marriage! Thank heaven things are so much better with them now.