Thursday, March 26, 2009

Easter Traditions bring out insecurities.

I can be a very opinionated person, or at least when I have an opinion about something I am usually not afraid to voice it. I think this can make me come off as a pretty sure of myself, which unfortunately isn't always the case.
Today when Jones and I where at Target I started talking about an Easter Tradition that I love and would like to carry on with our kids. (This is the second time in our relationship that I can remember holidays being a touchy conversation.) His response was that he had a similar tradition with his family and he really didn't like it. ( of course it was longer, and more detailed, but that was the gist of it) This somehow triggered a number of emotions from me. I had hurt feelings and felt stupid, but mostly I felt like I would not have his support in making that tradition a special one. It's funny how something that wasn't even meant to be hurtful made me question myself so much. Still it did, and I realized how insecure I am about the things I like and that I often feel like my interests are not "cool" or "fun" in Jone's world.
So, what do I do? How does one gain confidence in ones self?
I have a habit of saying "self pity and hate are a waste of time and get you no where", and throwing myself into life. Of course that only works short term, the underlying cause of those feelings is still there, and sooner or later those feelings catch up with me. In those moments I often want to allow myself to slip into a depression, but from a very young age I have been unable to allow myself to do this (which sometimes makes me angry), and that is because of the testimony that I have. So instead, I am forced or "spiritually guided" into realizing that I have been relying on my personal strength too much, expected to much from my husband, and forgotten the one person who is capable of loving me unconditionally, my Savior. My self confidence can not stand upon my shoulders, or Jones. Just as with faith it has to be founded on a much stronger foundation. I am thankful for that testimony.
It feels impossible sometimes, and I am unsure that I will be able to break my chain of self doubt, especially since I am only now admitting how deep it runs through me, but I have hope, I have to have hope, because I know the truth. That God loves me. Even when I am unable to do so myself.

1 comment:

Just Looking said...

You know, that same sort of thing has happened to me thru out my marriage - somehow feeling that my wants are "less than" if they don't get support, especially since often they are not "necessary" in the grand scheme of things. But it's suppressing a part of myself that actually does make me "less than". If you think your desires (and I'm not talking about selfish desires where you make everyone sacrifice for you, I'm talking about just having your turn at an idea or activity) are not important, then gradually you deny yourself into oblivion. You become a shadow of your former self. Like whatshername on the Incredibles hiding behind her hair. What I've learned is that even though people give you a hard time when you want something, maybe complain and won't help make it happen, they like you better for doing it; for sticking up for it. I call it being Sophia (from Oscar). M for Amazing loves my Sophia side and married me for it whether he knows it or not. So when I get nervous I just remember to be Sophia. Because it'll be good for him.